Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: