If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
God has abandoned us.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified