If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.