If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Can’t stop laughing
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.