If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
incredible book dedication
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile