If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable