If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
You Might Also Like
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
That’s enough internet for the day
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.