If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.