If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
This dude got his own movie?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden