Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

God tier horse name today on the sims

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.