If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
the red hot silly peppers
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.