Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?