Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Hmmmmmmm….

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.