If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity