If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
You Might Also Like
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?