Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

The news is so predictable nowadays

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Storm Tropical Storm

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Couldn’t recommend it enough.