If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I…do not understand how electricity works.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”