Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Rt to bother an English speaker

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

Ladies, why y’all do this?

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

#polloftheday

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.