Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

I wish I were this cool 😂

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently