Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me: