@Adar79Angie

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

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@rolldiggity

1. Loan someone a pocket knife.
2. Take it back by wrapping it in a rag.
3. Explain you need a knife with someone else’s prints on it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me

She belongs to us all

She’s R. Kelly

@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

@Mom_Overboard

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@roywoodjr

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

@Mirth_Quake

Because ‘brunch’ sounds better than ‘I slept until 2pm, I have a hangover and I want pancakes.’

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy