Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

😏😏😏

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.