If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Lucky old June.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.