If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
This came to me in a dream.
