Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

you can only post this today

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

never stops being funny

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

genius

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.