If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You Might Also Like
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W