Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

wish me luck lads

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced