This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.