If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
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ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Found the job I’m suited for
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The internet is magic sometimes.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp