If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.