Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

pictures of spider-man

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.