If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?