If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Oh thanks BBC.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?