If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.