If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.