If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I put the p in pants.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”