Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”