if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I cannot call her anything else now
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude