Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

The second world war should have been called world war returns

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

ㅤ

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.