Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you