@prsnprincess

If I’m lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?

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@Perfect_Beanis

in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@ellewasamistake

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

@djdarrellripley

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@robdelaney

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.