if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
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Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Life cycle of cat
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha