Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”