Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

and this one

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Lmfao

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?