Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo