Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.