Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.