Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

how to exercise your calf muscles

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars