Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Wise advice

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

giddy up Office Depot