There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*