I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO