If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

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There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family


[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”


[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!



Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought


Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film


5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house


Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*