Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

Math at Halloween.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!