Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone