Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.