If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*