If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.