Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?