If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My Plans 2020
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.