Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.