Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

What about second breakfast?

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool