Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.