If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.