Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

They grow up so quick

Who needs an Air Fryer?

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.