If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
fr
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
😩😩😩