If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
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[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Phonetics
