if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Tremendous stuff
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
i now pronounce you bounced.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective