if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Dead sexy!!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.