if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on