if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My mom texting me from an anime convention
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The smoothest fall of all time
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE