Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”