Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*