Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Gemma Correll

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

I’m listening

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.