Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Lunatics are gonna loon.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.