If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.