If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
You Might Also Like
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
🐶😂
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.