If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary