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Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
What kind of a cult is this?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.